| worst nightmare ever |
[Nov. 24th, 2009|11:17 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
I had basically the worst nightmare ever last night. It started out fun and entertaining, but ended up being pretty damn upsetting.
This is basically just a junk post, a journal entry just for myself. It has no real meaning or depth, but I felt like writing out what I remembered of the dream.
( Blah blah nightmare )
Then I woke up and cried because it was so upsetting. Seeing Chris's face going from caring and sweet to just plain disdainful hurt so much, and just the idea of hurting him like that is so wrong to me.
I texted Chris and told him that I had a terrible nightmare where I cheated on him and that I needed a hug. He replied with "Well now you don't have to worry". I was confused and told him I had no idea what he meant. He replied "Neither do I. Newer mind".
Somehow that made me feel better. To be fair to Chris, it was about 4:30 in the morning.
I don't think I've ever outright cried because of a nightmare before. It was very upsetting. |
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| eh, fucking CF |
[Nov. 20th, 2009|05:50 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
Lately I've really been missing music. Not listening to it, but creating it. For the longest time I wanted to be a singer, sang all the time, even wrote some music. I still kind of want to be able to be a musician, but it's getting less and less realistic.
Over the past few years my lung function has gone down, and I consequently haven't had the same lung capacity or breathing ability for singing that I used to. I used to be able to hold a note forever, but now I get out of breath. Sometimes phlegm messes with my sound quality or I have to cough in the middle of singing.
Singing and music used to mean so much to me. A vital part of my self-image was based on the fact that I'm a singer. Now... I dunno. CF has always been a facet of my self-image, too, but it's seriously fucking with a much more important part of me.
It's seriously depressing sometimes. :-( |
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| I hate colds |
[Sep. 9th, 2009|07:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sick | ] |
I seem to have gotten a head cold within the first week of my classes starting. What fun! The rest of me feels fine, but my head is stuffed up and achy and bleagh.
I had to miss going to my tango class tonight because I didn't want to infect everyone else there. At least Chris came over to give me a hug and hang out for a little while. And Apollo the kitty is keeping me company on the couch while I watch crime dramas.
In other news, I'm enjoying my new contacts. I have peripheral vision for the first time in years! I do think I look a little odd without glasses, largely because my self-image includes glasses. I'm sure I'll get used to them eventually. Also, contacts are way harder to have accidentally just fall off. |
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| about Chris |
[Aug. 28th, 2009|01:21 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  loved | ] |
This is a post that's more for the purposes of personal introspection than anything else, but you can feel free to read it if you like.
( One of the many reasons I love Chris )
He is, in short, my love. |
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| anniversary |
[Aug. 21st, 2009|01:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | loved | ] |
So Chris and I had the first anniversary of our first date on Wednesday. He had to work that day, so he stayed over the night before. He gave me a luxurious massage, and I fell asleep in his arms when we went to bed. It may have been a combination of the awesome massage and post-sex hormones, but I was so ridiculously in love with him.
I made a really tasty lunch for the both of us before he had to get going to work the next day, and we just enjoyed being together for a while.
We're going out to dinner tonight since we couldn't do it Wednesday, and I expect to have a good time again.
He's my love, and I'm still absolutely astounded by how sweet and caring and wonderful he is. Sometimes I can't help but think that he deserves someone better than me. But he's mine for now, and I'm not giving him up anytime soon. He's much too precious to me for me to give him up easily. There's so much I could say about what makes him so fucking awesome, but I'll spare you the retarded gushing.
Suffice it to say that I love him oodles. <3 |
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| I just can't win |
[Jul. 20th, 2009|07:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
So I had a PICC line in my arm in order to administer IV antibiotics while I was in the hospital. I got out a week earlier than expected and spent a week doing home IVs instead. All was peachy keen until I got a fever, and noticed that the shoulder that had the line in it had overly-visible veins.
I mentioned the fever and veins to my doctor when I went back in for my check-up, and she sent me for an ultrasound of my shoulder. Lo and behold, I had a couple of blood clots. And they were big enough that, besides pulling the PICC (which would have come out in a day anyway), I now have to be on blood-thinners. I get to inject myself with Lovenox twice a day now, and I'm on Coumadin for three months. At least the injections are only for a few more days.
It could be worse, but it's frustrating knowing that the thing that was supposed to make me better just ended up fucking with me. |
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| ANTS! |
[Jul. 1st, 2009|05:19 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  thirsty | ] |
As you may know if you've read my last couple of LJ entries, I'm in the hospital to treat my CF. It has been a singularly frustrating experience thus far, but it could admittedly be quite a bit worse. Tonight I encountered something rather unexpected and less frustrating so much as just worrisome and gross.
I discovered about an hour ago that there was a colony of ants in my room, feasting upon a piece of food I dropped on the floor at some point. It was right next to my bed, too. The trail of ants led from the piece of food to, horrifyingly enough, the bio-hazard waste bin. D-: I just thank god I noticed it before I accidentally stepped in it bare-foot or something. I think I would have been traumatized by such an event.
I let my nurse know right away and we decided to move me. Luckily enough the room next door had just been vacated and sterilized, so now I'm in a slightly larger room with clean sheets and no ants. A cleaning crew is currently bleaching the hell out of the old room. I'm now situated in room 4, directly next door to my old room.
Room 4 is a mirror image of room 2, so now my right arm (the one with the picc line) is the one nearest the door when I'm in bed. This means that IVs and blood draws and all that good stuff are actually going to be a lot easier. Hooray! I also got a voucher for $5 to be used anywhere in the hospital for my trouble, so that's nice. |
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| Hospital.... problems |
[Jun. 30th, 2009|03:32 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | frustrated | ] |
So I've decided to record the various problems and hurdles I've come across while staying in the hospital thus far. Some of them are funny, some are worrisome, and some are just odd. I'm largely doing this because I'm bored and have nothing better to do.
( Hospital staff, while they seem nice enough, are often inept )
It's not all bad here, to be fair. I've got a night nurse named Annie that I remember from my last stay here, and she was one of the few people here that I genuinely liked. I have discovered that she is a fellow cheese aficionado, and I am considering giving her some aged cheddar if I get a chance. Genuinely good nurses deserve cheese rewards. |
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| hospital |
[Jun. 24th, 2009|01:03 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  bored | ] |
So my lungs have been getting progressively shittier lately. Besides that, I had a really nasty virus or infection or something that knocked me on my ass for over 3 weeks. For the sake of my health, I'm checking into the hospital (as my pulmonologist wants). I've got stuff to do before I go in, so I won't be checking in until Friday. That should give me enough time to do laundry and stuff like that.
I'm trying to figure out things to do while I'm there. I'm going to be doing a lot of reading, since I told my dad I'd re-read (and finally finish) Stephen King's Dark Tower series. I figure I could try reading some Robin Hobb, as well, since she's an author my dad likes that I've yet to try. I'll have my laptop, of course. I'm also considering bringing my PS2 to play some old PS1 games. Those things can keep a girl occupied for freaking MONTHS. FF7, Chrono Cross, Star Ocean, etc are all multi-disk games that are assured to take up my time.
Feel free to suggest other activities to keep me busy. |
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| YOU'RE OLD! |
[May. 5th, 2009|05:43 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
My boyfriend Chris turned 25 yesterday. As I often tease him, he is an old man. Despite all that, we had an awesome couple of days together to celebrate his birthday.
( A summary of my weekend with Chris )
It was an overall wonderful weekend with my love. He makes me smile like nobody else can. :D |
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| Friday |
[Apr. 25th, 2009|04:58 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | loved | ] |
Yesterday was absolutely gorgeous in Milwaukee. Highs in the 80s, sunny, and breezy. After opening up the windows and doing a little bit of cleaning and organizing, I ran to the bank to deposit a cheque to make sure I had enough money in my account to pay my internet bill.
Around 2:30 or so, Chris showed up with his bike. He was wearing dark jeans and a black t-shirt, so he was absolutely soaked in sweat by the time he got here. He changed into a spare shirt I lent him and we went to Dairy Queen for food. After picking up a couple things at CVS, we locked up the house and headed out on our bikes.
We took the bike path through Estabrook Park south, to near Locust Street. We went down to the Milwaukee river at Riverside Park and spent a little time enjoying the weather on a park bench there. After hauling our bikes back up the bluff there, we wandered our way to Subway where I got a sandwich. We headed back to my place, and made dinner together.
Since it was still so hot out, we hung around without our shirts (I was wearing a sports bra) while waiting for dinner to cook. After we cleaned up from dinner, we spent time just laying around naked simply because we could.
He headed home around 10:30 or so. It was still really warm out, so he didn't mind riding back in the dark.
It was just an absolutely awesome day with my love. :D |
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| Writer's Block: Get Real |
[Apr. 10th, 2009|09:04 am] |
I would like to be on "Charm School", simply because it'd be such a goddamn easy show to win. All you have to do is not be a stupid bitch, and you're good.
Plus, I'm automatically polite, even while intoxicated. All I'd have to do is be my charming self.
Basically, I want easy money. |
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| cleaning my keyboard |
[Apr. 6th, 2009|08:26 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  busy | ] |
How is it possible to get so much cat hair in the keyboard of a laptop? I desperately need some canned air. Ew. |
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| jealousy |
[Apr. 6th, 2009|05:05 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
So I felt an entirely new emotion today. Something that I can honestly say I've never experienced before. I felt a pang of jealousy. I suppose it's a testament to the fact that I'm not the jealous type that I've only just now encountered this sensation. It's a weird feeling. I suppose I ought to explain how this came about.
( Mildly inconsequential explanation here. )
I guess overall I was just really surprised by how... primal this emotion was. It was an extremely odd sensation for me. I suppose I just felt the need to write it down. |
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| lemons |
[Apr. 2nd, 2009|12:25 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hungry | ] |
Fuck I love cooking with lemon juice.
That is all. |
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| contacts |
[Apr. 1st, 2009|03:01 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | thirsty | ] |
I'm considering getting contacts. I tried them a couple years ago and decided they weren't for me at the time, but I've changed my mind over the past few months. For one thing, it's easy for my glasses to fall off or get knocked around. I have no clear peripheral vision for driving, and it's so easy to steam up my lenses. Especially annoying is when I'm snuggled up to Chris and turn to kiss him, but end up knocking my glasses around instead. I'll keep the glasses around for looking older and sophisticated, but I think that contacts are a better option for me as far as everyday use goes.
Also, happy April Fools to those who actually read this on the day that it's posted! This isn't some strange and pointless April Fools joke, but rather a mundane and pointless speculation. |
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| Writer's Block: Big Debates |
[Mar. 15th, 2009|03:23 am] |
Anyone who knows even the tiniest bit about me should know that I support stem cell research whole-heartedly. There's no downside. And YES the government should fund it. What kind of retard would be against stem cell research? |
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| stupid life, getting in the way of my cuddle time! |
[Mar. 5th, 2009|12:23 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sick | ] |
The last week or so I haven't seen as much of Chris as I'd like. A large part of that has been going to class, seeing my parents, taking care of things at my house, and just getting some "me time". But the problem with "me time" is the severe lack of snuggles. And cute boys in general, really. It also appears to involve a lot of zoning out while watching TV. And failing to get groceries.
So, to summarize this post, I miss my love and I'm lazy. Nothing new there. :P
Also my stomach hurts. Blah. |
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